Sickness

I am sick! Perhaps sick and tired. I left work early this morning due to sickness. It was a tremendous struggle leaving, somehow I was minimizing the way I felt, trying to pass it off as a figment of my imagination. Maybe it was in some sense, perhaps I created the sickness by staying up late....not getting enough sleep, some of it due to my obsession with being online and some of it due to insomnia....eventuating in immune deficiency. Perhaps I needed a day off to recoup some energy....the Sandman collecting his debt! I felt guilty by going home early...for some reason I suffer from martyrdom....that I need to suffer without complaint. I don't know why I'm rambling about this....I haven't had a day off sick for probably six months so it isn't like I take advantage of the sick leave privilege...I try and be a good boy....I feel guilty even when I am at work...I am always pulling out the whip and berating myself for not performing to the best of my ability, especially when I am sort of bludging....when I know I could be working at greater speed....I sometimes think I ought to be far more mechanistic...robotic...it's the way I feel...that I am a machine. A machine with feelings....I forget that I am human and can only do what I can do. I don't know where this work ethic has been derived...there was a time when I didn't think twice about having a day off sick even when I wasn't sick. Perhaps I've matured (hmmm!)...or I've become a part of the machine and my loyalties have been manipulated to the betterment of society (hmmm...even more doubtful!)

I want to be beyond the human condition...I don't want to feel for the most part. I want to be a machine...to not get muddled with emotion, which seems so futile considering it is what defines humanity...emotion. To be entirely honest I am unhappy with my current employment situation (I seem to be like a broken record...I apologize), which adds to the sense that I am not performing to a level which has essentially been set by my inner critic (therefore is it reasonable?), because I find the work boring thus creating a meandering of focus so to speak. It isn't like I'm not getting the work done (although today is an exception)....it is rather that it is getting done at a slower pace than what I can muster at this present juncture. It becomes apparent then that feeling gets in the way. Because I feel unhappy...or bored...attention and focus begins to waver thus the pace slows. I'm not doing myself any favours by being so self deprecating however there is some truth in my analysis. What I hope to achieve by such a critical approach is yet to be seen...except to possibly make myself more sick.

Anyways alls I can do is take one day as it comes...I have updated my CV and placed it on an employment site....perhaps the thing I need, to be re-acquainted with some new enthusiasm, is to change my environment. Have to wait and see. As they say...patience is a virtue!