Denial

Well I've changed fonts to mark a change in perception that has recently embedded itself into my consciousness. I am formally going through a period of dissent that has its sneering eyes penetrating the facade of cynicism that I often hide behind. I am struggling to find some validation to the lies that have seemingly been thrust upon me as the truth or the way. Some would say that I'm in denial, like some beast that has its claws wrapped around my throat, suggesting with ill intent that I do some heinous crime against the truth that I should adopt. In fact my eyes have been opened wide and I feel as if a spell has been broken, almost as if the world has dropped from neath my feet and I'm free falling into a reality that I wish wasn't so, yet am glad that I have truly found a truth that extols all the truth that has been implanted into my feeble mind. Perhaps I am preparing for a landing which seems inevitable. I wonder at times if my legs will be able to carry the weight of awareness that has now been added into my periphery. I am sure that I can carry this weight, however it will require a strategy that will empower my defenses rather than weaken them. Perhaps I am well on my way in this regard. Of course no one here reading any of this dribble will understand what I am talking about and it is better that I hide behind the veil of evasiveness than spell out in detail. It matters not what the details are, what matters is that I map my thinking with a point of reference, for myself.

It seems that there is an unlimited supply of fixes and ample advice on what I should do but there seems little discourse on the subject of what exactly I want. In truth what I truly desire is autonomy and a self sufficiency that is laughed at by some members of my community. I have to agree that a fine line exists between such autonomy and disaster but I refuse to believe that a compromise cannot be drawn. Call me stubborn or tenacious but do not call me a fool. Sometimes I can smell the stench of manipulation a mile off and I find it disheartening that in group approval breaks down into fear and guilt mongering. A common theme in this blog is that of fear, a fear that is induced within me, a fear that I create whilst I contemplate an unknowable abyss that is the future. A fear that represents insecurity and lack of belief. I am on a quest to empower and strengthen myself against this fear, and to essentially find the voice within that is the true me, to capture a belief in myself that I have spent a lifetime running from.