I don't feel like it!

Often this little phrase enters my head...I just don't feel like it...right now I don't feel like writing but I know that sometimes it is the only thing in my life that can fill the void...this great big @#cking hole that opens up and wants to swallow me...I want to fall into it...to be lost within the dark mass and not ever venture out from it's comforting chill. I have been teetering around the edges of this swarming mass and if I move just that much closer to it's edge, to peer down, I know I will slip or the edge will crumble and I will be lunged into the crawling mire of filth and decay. A part of me wants to fall...to give into the temptation...to be cradled in the arms of narcissistic black. Where I can admire the filth of self obsession and not be concerned with outside trivialities. I want to be lost in Self, indeed that is where I am most of the time. Except I am expected to participate in the outside world, to be accountable to something other than myself.


Right now I want to hide from everyone and everything so I can just breathe and not feel any pressure, to perhaps just rest and be with me. Is that selfish?