Sometimes it seems as if I'm just pushing through this dark mass of matter that really shouldn't be in the way but is there nevertheless. It is a futile fight because I know that once I shovel through one great pile of shit then most assuredly another pile will amass. It just never ends and it is the way I look at things which causes me the most grief. I feel almost guilty for feeling the way I do. One of my great desires is to just to be able to be at home in the quiet and solitude without having to deal with the griefs of a long lost past that I can never reclaim or change. The problem is that this ill defined past is always in my shadow and I just cannot out run it. It clings to me like dog shit on the sole of my shoes, stinking the air that wafts around me.

I just need to hang on for just that little while longer. I just wish I knew how much longer that little while is. I can choose to define my experience as a lesson which I can grow from but it is just a load of bullshit. This experience is just one more of life's meaningless ventures. It is exactly in this existential vision that I can draw the most fixed state of being from. If I can somehow banish all meaning from the experience of living in a loveless past, I will then be in a position to strengthen a deeper understanding of the nuances of the present. The current feelings of anger and resentment are just mere fragments that I can salvage into a better day tomorrow. I have made it through this day, although I despised having to walk through the day I made it to the other side. At least when we celebrate God's death next weekend, I won't have the object of my frustration in front of my eyes so I can be thankful.