Wishful thinking!
Little by little do these days fall away to something that is called a life, however a question lies in wait. What have you done with your life? I seem to be stuck at square one. I've done this loop and it is a continuous spiral that spins in on itself and then out again. I seem to be caught in this spiral of doubt, doubting whether I have indeed moved forward or have just wound back to the position I started in.
Once again I'm left scratching my head wondering how I got stuck in this predicament. One of many existential crises that emerge in the daily battle with time. I have moved from one job into another, only to be back where I was before I left the prior. I am continually trying to understand how I can move out of the career that I just seemed to drift into and I can muse over what a colleague said, which went along the lines of "everybody does drafting by default". I have to agree with the statement, I drifted into this trade by default, without too much consideration of what I really wanted to do. Now that I have transitioned and honed my skills in this craft I find myself dissatisfied with my chosen career.
It is not an unusual dilemma and in times gone by it was considered the norm that one would stay inside a chosen field or skill or study and remain in that position for a lifetime. However it is the age of sanctified obsolescence and it is no more a virtue to remain with an employer or career path than it is to toss out last years generation Ipod.
My dilemma is compounded by lack of motivation, I know what I'd dearly love to do and it is within my power to strive in such a direction but I am discerned with total apathy. My ideals are thwarted by this uninspired apathy towards a desire I take flight with, inside the narrow vessels of synaptic vibration. I feel almost justified by accusing the machine of soul corruption for the demise of energetic enthusiasm that forms the pursuit of self actualisation. I can readily lay blame for the lack of available time to this disease of industrialised cloning of souls, to feed this beast of societal machinery that demands the attention to detail of an insect. The facade of individualised self is bought and sold with a trip to a muliplex, a cathedral of managed excess, in exchange of plastic swipes and ka chinging of registers. The whole idea is flawed and a mockery of counter culture revolt. In fact the whole basis of this society is built upon the illusion that we have a unique identity and that in essence we are free to express this individualism. In reality we are just conforming to multi national branding and express our individuality through the ring tone we put on our mobile phone. Such individualism, at best can merely be interpreted as a sign that we are chained to a corporate master and at worst, that we have contracted our souls to the devil or signed our lives over to a higher being that is telecast across the airwaves.
I can't say that I am immune to this disease because I am caught within its grip, a strangle hold of self that is miraged by the status of gadgetry. At best I can maintain some awareness that my identity is not all together defined by how many gigabytes of hard drive space my MP3 player has, or whether my mobile phone has an array of components to rival that of James Bond. I am a technology buff and enjoy the benefits that technology afford me but I would also like to keep some resemblance of the human form in my quest to achieve techno salvation. There was a time not that far away in the distance, that I could not lay claim to any of this quasi status egocentricity and it would soothe my soul to keep this fact in perspective and at the fore front of my thoughts.
A lot of humanity is suffering and I am lucky, just to be born in an age and a place where my greatest concern is pondering whether my life has amounted to anything. I can forever remain dissatisfied and it is outside of this demeanor that I can choose to find solace. If I continue to subscribe to the notion that it is not enough then I will believe that it isn't enough. I have aspirations and dreams and would like to explore areas of my creative expressionism in a more fulfilling fashion and nothing is preventing me from pursuing these dreams. I live in a country where I have the opportunity and freedom to explore my talents and if I fail to have a go then it is only I, that can accept such failure and blame. In truth I already explore my creative bent and my only regret is that I haven't more time to be more absorbed in this pursuit. At the end of the day it is about risk and if I don't have enough faith in myself to take the risk then it is my responsibility to let go of my aspirations and dreams and get on with whatever I have to get on with.
Once again I'm left scratching my head wondering how I got stuck in this predicament. One of many existential crises that emerge in the daily battle with time. I have moved from one job into another, only to be back where I was before I left the prior. I am continually trying to understand how I can move out of the career that I just seemed to drift into and I can muse over what a colleague said, which went along the lines of "everybody does drafting by default". I have to agree with the statement, I drifted into this trade by default, without too much consideration of what I really wanted to do. Now that I have transitioned and honed my skills in this craft I find myself dissatisfied with my chosen career.
It is not an unusual dilemma and in times gone by it was considered the norm that one would stay inside a chosen field or skill or study and remain in that position for a lifetime. However it is the age of sanctified obsolescence and it is no more a virtue to remain with an employer or career path than it is to toss out last years generation Ipod.
My dilemma is compounded by lack of motivation, I know what I'd dearly love to do and it is within my power to strive in such a direction but I am discerned with total apathy. My ideals are thwarted by this uninspired apathy towards a desire I take flight with, inside the narrow vessels of synaptic vibration. I feel almost justified by accusing the machine of soul corruption for the demise of energetic enthusiasm that forms the pursuit of self actualisation. I can readily lay blame for the lack of available time to this disease of industrialised cloning of souls, to feed this beast of societal machinery that demands the attention to detail of an insect. The facade of individualised self is bought and sold with a trip to a muliplex, a cathedral of managed excess, in exchange of plastic swipes and ka chinging of registers. The whole idea is flawed and a mockery of counter culture revolt. In fact the whole basis of this society is built upon the illusion that we have a unique identity and that in essence we are free to express this individualism. In reality we are just conforming to multi national branding and express our individuality through the ring tone we put on our mobile phone. Such individualism, at best can merely be interpreted as a sign that we are chained to a corporate master and at worst, that we have contracted our souls to the devil or signed our lives over to a higher being that is telecast across the airwaves.
I can't say that I am immune to this disease because I am caught within its grip, a strangle hold of self that is miraged by the status of gadgetry. At best I can maintain some awareness that my identity is not all together defined by how many gigabytes of hard drive space my MP3 player has, or whether my mobile phone has an array of components to rival that of James Bond. I am a technology buff and enjoy the benefits that technology afford me but I would also like to keep some resemblance of the human form in my quest to achieve techno salvation. There was a time not that far away in the distance, that I could not lay claim to any of this quasi status egocentricity and it would soothe my soul to keep this fact in perspective and at the fore front of my thoughts.
A lot of humanity is suffering and I am lucky, just to be born in an age and a place where my greatest concern is pondering whether my life has amounted to anything. I can forever remain dissatisfied and it is outside of this demeanor that I can choose to find solace. If I continue to subscribe to the notion that it is not enough then I will believe that it isn't enough. I have aspirations and dreams and would like to explore areas of my creative expressionism in a more fulfilling fashion and nothing is preventing me from pursuing these dreams. I live in a country where I have the opportunity and freedom to explore my talents and if I fail to have a go then it is only I, that can accept such failure and blame. In truth I already explore my creative bent and my only regret is that I haven't more time to be more absorbed in this pursuit. At the end of the day it is about risk and if I don't have enough faith in myself to take the risk then it is my responsibility to let go of my aspirations and dreams and get on with whatever I have to get on with.
posted by TwistedTripper at 10:52 PM
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