Isolation and solitude

I've spent the best part of this week on my own. I am not sure why I find it so appealing to me right now, to be disconnected from the world. It probably isn't such a healthy activity considering isolation can be somewhat detrimental to my mental health. I am more than likely hiding from something, perhaps I am hiding from myself. The dilemma, which is evident from such a farcical statement is that I can't hide from myself. I can surely distract from whatever issue is driving me into the depths of solitude and too be entirely honest that is exactly what I have been doing..distracting... spending far too much time on the internet, so much so that I am depriving myself of much needed sleep. Perhaps I just want some downtime. Is a week too much downtime? I am essentially a solitary creature and I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with spending time by myself. I am also a selfish creature and in the world at large perhaps some friends have missed my presence, yet I believe I don't really have any importance and that I don't hold any particular need to the people I mix with.

It says more about me than it does about anyone else. What it comes down to is how much value do I place on myself? To say I don't matter is not really evidenced by any factual reality, it is merely a perception I hold. Perhaps I would like to believe I didn't matter so then my actions or behaviour, such as isolating and disconnecting could be justified. In the end I am sick of being accountable, to my friends or anyone for that matter. I desperately desire a self sufficiency that is narcissistic in nature, total spiritual abandonment. If I were to search for a deeper meaning to this desire I could extrapolate a definition, a label to identify myself with a reality that perhaps requires validation. This added meaning or hidden meaning could be pinned to how much trust do I possess or am willing to outlay. Trust is much like any transaction, one hopes to gain something in return and I don't have much faith in the idea that I will receive anything in return for one of life's treasures. I heard it spoken, that trust is an action, a verb. One must do it! Am I willing to take the risk and externalise it? If so will then I break away from this self imposed solitude I have currently sentenced myself to? What if I continue this solitude, what will happen?