Rattled Nerves

Man my nerves are on edge. I've had five days off from work and by no means am I even vaguely relaxed. I have a job interview tomorrow and I am so living on an influx of adrenalin, neurotransmitters seem to be doing a crazy dance, shooting left, right and centre. I really have nothing to fear but I am scared anyway. It is said that one of the biggest stresses in life is changing jobs and they ain't wrong. I am looking forward to the weekend or at least friday when I won't have any more interviews. I have another interview on Thursday so I guess I will be in a similar state tomorrow night. I have no idea of how I am going to sleep tonight. I have to keep it in the moment, all I have is this moment and if I am wandering off into tomorrow then all I can expect is fear. The unknowable is a frightening experience. I can take small consolation in the fact that six years ago I made a move from one employer to the next and it didn't kill me then, so I should be able to reconcile that experience with the one I am having now.


Things were a little different back in 2000 my head will argue, however, I am not so sure that they were really. I was dreadfully unhappy with my employment situation in that yesteryear and it took all my courage and more than a little resentment to fuel a motivation for change. In this present time I am a little unhappy and I am not so sure of where it stems from. Perhaps it is a little late for me to be analysing my motives, however, it may serve to clarify why exactly I want this change.

1. I am unhappy with my renumeration package.
2. I feel that I am being taken advantage of because I lack assertiveness.
3. I feel that I don't fit into the culture in some way.
4. I feel that I am not appreciated and that I have become in essence a part of the furniture.
5. I don't have any peers as such and feel isolated.
6. I am feeling unmotivated and lack the enthusiasm I once had.
7. I feel left out because I have seemingly been discarded in the mentoring system they have.
8. I am not feeling challenged anymore.
9. Upper management doesn't appear to respect the value of drafters in any significant way.
10. I don't believe in the company anymore, there seems to be a lot of rhetoric and little incentives to advance onself as a drafter.

I accept in large that my personality is at fault here, I need to improve areas of inclusion and be more of a self starter but for some reason feel my hands are tied to the daily bump and grind of 100% utilisation. I believe it is my demeanor and the fact that I tend to lean into a loner state, which keeps me seperated to a large degree. I don't necessarily lay blame in this regard. Perhaps a change of atmosphere and different people may intice me to be more open. I guess my major gripe is the philosophy that upper management takes with regards to the lower echelons in the hierachy. They have been good to me in a lot of ways but the significance pales when I know that I am not being paid fairly for the work I perform. If I look at my performance I do a lot for the company and even if I am a little timid I always rise up to the challenges they serve me. I have even taken some initiatives, however they never seemed to eventuate in anything concrete for me, perhaps due to my lack of assertiveness. I think it may be too late if I'm offered a counter offer, perhaps it is the height of arrogance that I should even be thinking this way but I haven't been happy for quite some time and I think it is time I looked after my interests.

I'll have to face my fears and move on, hopefully with the least amount of stress possible.